Talk:You Are Not Alone/@comment-4441793-20140529005314
I am NOT a comedian by any means but let me try my hand at stand-up comedy starring the great, the wonderful, the beautiful Miss: DJ: All ya'll chickenheads and ballaz out there. Give a warm, welcome to the stage Miss Maya Matlin. As 30 year old Maya enters the stage to put on her show, she couldn't help but notice that the applause was relatively soft and unenthusiastic but she used that to her advantage. MAYA: Uh-uh, uh-uh, oh HELL to the NO. Ya'll call that an applause. Motherfuckers out there actin' like ya'll ain't never seen a skinny white bitch before! Fuck ya'll thought was comin' to the stage? Mo'nique? Precious? *Laughter* MAYA: Fuck that shit! No neckbones and pigs feet over here. A bitch was backstage laughin' with my healthy ass salad because I just KNEW ya'll bitches was goin' act stank when they saw my ass come out. *Laughter* MAYA: Seriously, the only time I have such a screwed up facial expression like I see on some of these black bitches in the front row is when my husband sticks his dick in me. *Laughter* MAYA: No doubt. I've been fucking this motherfucker since I was FIFTEEN and it still hurts when he puts it in.......but I like it! *Laughter* MAYA: Hahaha! Now, more people laughin'? But I know ya'll wonderin' if I'm with a black man. The black ladies in the audience is ready to cut me if I'm with one of their brothas. Relax, bitch. No. My man ain't black. My husband is so fuckin' white he can snort coke in a crowded courtroom and not get caught! *Laughter* MAYA: Shit, ya'll laughin' because ya'll sittin' there imaginin' some white man in the court going (makes sniffing sounds) right while the jury and judge is findin' him NOT GUILTY. MAYA: So yeah, my husband's very white. Nothing remotely black about him.......until he drops them boxers. (Screams) And then it's like "DAMN DADDY, THEY CALL YOU "MILES" FOR A REASON". He's black where it counts for EVERY bitch, okay? *Laughter* MAYA: One time he dicked me down so hard, my MOTHER screamed, my SISTER came and my next door neighbor's DOG got pregnant! And the bitch is SPAYED, at that! Ever spread that Miracle Whip on your sandwhiches? Well, it's even better when you gettin' that Miracle DICK that ''spits out ''its own Miracle Whip! *Laughter* MAYA: Oh, how I LOVE me some Miles Hollingsworth. I LOVE my husband. My man is the shit; ain't tryin' to brag but that's some real shit. Fifteen years together, married for five and parents of a beautiful one year old girl *Applause and aaaws from the audience* MAYA: Oh, thank you. Mmm-hmmm. That motherfucker still gives me life and brings me joy. Sure, he gets on my nerves sometimes. Pain in the ass sometimes......LITERALLY. Absolutely. But it's been worth it. We got that hood love. Holdin' each other down through all the ups and downs. As a matter fact, raise your hands if you're sitting right next to your "Ride or Die Bitch" as we speak. *Multiple hands raise* MAYA: That's what's up. And I ain't gotta be black to know. I'm a true Ride or Die Bitch. We need our own motherfuckin' holiday, for real. Momma Matlin knew what's up when she named me after the late, lengendary Maya Angelou. I was NAMED after a strong, iconic black woman, so I was bound to be down-ass bitch. I'm no stranger to injustice and hatin' ass, stink ass bitches. So, ya'll can relate with me! *Laughter* MAYA: I mean, there hasn't been all haters. Shout-out to my ride-or-die fans all over the world: Rob, Dani, Elle, Catie, Joanna, Sarah, Yasmine, Jenn, I love ALL ya'll bitches. Ya'll held me the fuck down when other bitches wanted to hate. So much love to ya'll. MAYA: My name is Maya, okay? Because my mother's favorite work of literature is anything by Miss Angelou. Even though when I came on the motherfuckin' stage, I bet ya'll thought my name was gonna be some shit like Molly or Holly or Clarissa or Bonnie or Emily or Heather or something like that. No, no, no. My name is MAYA. It may not be SHA-maya or QUA-maya or LA-maya or Mayeesha like some of you of bitches in the audience but it's Maya. *Laughter* MAYA: No offense but my mom ain't name me no shit like that because she wanted to be able to get a job. She ain't wanna hurt my chances even though ONE BITCH tried to do just that when I was in 10th grade. MAYA: Hell yeah. Zoe Rivas. Mmm-mmm-mmm. We cool now. But that bitch almost made me catch a CASE back in the day. Bitch photo-shopped my innocent, virgin head on some half-butt ass naked bitch's for the whole world to see. But who gets punished? Me. Who gets no motherfucking JUSTICE? Me. Because I took out my guitar, acted like Taylor Swift on her period and basically sang some bullshit about wanting Zoe to die. Ooooh, my ass was in trouble for that! MAYA: True fucking story. I swear on my husband's dick. *Laughter* MAYA: I get in trouble for THAT? I very well could have gotten all types of ghetto and ratchet and knocked the bitch upside her head with that damn guitar! Shiiiiiiit, let Zoe piss off a bitch named Shantwanna or Tanjoneequa, she would have been EATING that motherfuckin guitar. Dental flossin' with the fuckin' guitar strings and shit! Fragments of that guitar would still be down her throat TO THIS DAY and every dick she ever sucks would get SPLINTERS on them! *Laughter* MAYA: Safe to say, I let the bitch off easy, right?